Texting in Cars–Parents, You Are the Example!

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Pat

Text DeathThis is the text Alexander Heit was sending when he lost control of his car and died. He was 22 and a college student with a full life in front of him.  In a effort to keep others from texting while driving, his mother said, “In a split second you could ruin your future, injure or kill others, and tear a hole in the heart of everyone who loves you.”
Now pretend that you are texting in the car as you are driving your kids to ball practice or to school.  Your son turns to you and tells you not to do that because it is dangerous.  You look at him smiling sweetly and say, “It’s okay, son.  Mom knows what she is doing and is safe and so are you.”  Years from then, disaster strikes.  Your son is in a coma and not expected to live.  His girlfriend has lost a leg and another friend is dead.  All because he was texting while driving.  Why?  Because he learned from you that it could be done safely.

A recent AT&T study found that 49% of adults admit to texting while driving and 43% of teens admit it.  Hmm, that means that more adults are impairing their driving skills with a phone than kids.  And most often with today’s adults, they are slower texters.  So does that make them even more dangerous?

Remember you are the example your children will follow. Don’t make the potentially fatal mistake of  telling your children that there is a safe way to text and drive.  There isn’t.  It is your job to be the example.  You are, either way, so why not be a positive example?

Your life and your child’s life may hang in the balance.

Posted in child behavior, children, driving with kids in the car, family, grandchildren, healthy lifestyles, parenting, Teens driving, texting/phones | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Helping Your Children Feel Safe

Posted on April 17, 2013 by Pat

Where you, like me, working at your computer when you saw the news blip about the bombing in Boston?

Put yourself on the marathon route when the explosions occurred.  Picture the chaos and uncertainty.  How would you feel about your safety?  How would you feel about your family’s safety?

Did you eventually think, “How do I help my kids feel safe when I don’t?”

It is normal after an horrific event such as what happened in Boston on Monday, April 14 to have those fears.  I guess we have been lucky nothing like this has happened before now in the US.  Other countries live with the fear of explosive devices as a normal part of every day.  But we have not had to untl now.

So how do we heal ourselves and our children and move forward?  For the past two days I have been researching this and, based on the advice of experts in the field, here are some insights that will help you.

  1. Human beings are made to recover and move past tragedy–it is part of our inner beings.  Trust in that ability and coping mechanism.  Time will do its job and things will return to normal.
  2. Being afraid or uneasy is perfectly normal and children should be assured of that fact.  Listen to them and don’t discount their feelings.  Allow them to voice their concerns.  Admit that sometimes bad things do happen.
  3. Reassure the children that they are safe–they are far away from what happened, you will protect them, God is with them, whatever makes them feel better.
  4. Limit access to news reports.  There is no sense in “piling on” to the fear.  Let it gradually move from their immediate focus.
  5. Get a normal routine restarted as soon as possible.  Normalcy gives birth to peace of mind.
  6. Know what your kids know–you may be surprised what they have heard in school or around the neighborhood.  You cannot adequately reassure them if you don’t know what they are afraid of.
  7. Take time to examine yourself and your own fears.  Work through them and do not communicate your anxiety to your children.
  8. Monitor the family and if one or more of you are not coping appropriately with  the fears, get professional help if you see prolonged or abnormal signs of stress.  This is more important depending on the closeness of the tragedy.  If one of the dead or injured is a family member or close friend, it is probably going to be necessary to get counselling.

In the meantime, give your children a big hug tonight and say a prayer of thanks as you tuck them into bed tonight.  Something like this reminds us how tenuous our hold on life is and that we need to realize how precious it really is.

Then say a prayer for those who were negatively affected by the cowardly act in Boston.

Posted in child behavior, children, death, grandchildren, healthy lifestyles, parenting, tragedy | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Electronics Have Replaced Mom and Dad at the Dinner Table

Posted on February 28, 2013 by Pat

I have copied this post with permission.  It was written by Mary Jo Rapini and is an insightful and important statement about family.  Pat

IMG_0067I was out for dinner last week. My husband and I went to a family restaurant we both really like. It’s low key, just the right amount of noise, and the food is wholesome and fresh. The restaurant attracts families because of the prices, but the families eating there are different than they use to be. Family dinners are fun because the whole family gets together and talks about the day’s events and who said what to whom. Moms and dads can be heard laughing at their kid’s antics and expressions. This particular night there was some of that interaction, but also a new interaction that I call “electronic parenting.”

 At several of the tables, we noted kids with ipads or phones engaged in their activity. There was absolutely no communication between mom, dad, and the kids. The kids were careful not to spill food on their electronic devices and what seemed to make the biggest impact was one time when one of the mom’s almost dropped the ketchup on the child’s ipad. The kid became animated and basically scolded mom. I was hopeful that if the electronics were babysitting the kids at least mom and dad would have some intimate time, but no, that wasn’t the case. Mom and dad didn’t really engage with each other either; dad was fidgeting with his phone or mom looked frazzled. I thought about this scenario for several days because I am concerned about what these kids’ concept of family will be.

 Family dinners are so important for continuing communication among the family members. Dinnertime is a time we listen to one another, are reminded of table manners and also mentored about appropriate behavior between mom, dad and kids. You don’t have to eat at home to have a family dinner, but a family dinner is so much more than eating.It’s important that families realize the invaluable opportunity to have an electronic-free meal. Parenting has a lot to do with setting boundaries, saying no, and also making sure you teach your child appropriate social behavior. If your child is on the phone or ipad during dinner they are in their own virtual world and not engaged with the family.

 There is no doubt that we are moving in a more electronic wave for the future. Smart phones are smarter than many humans, and as we continue to evolve and grow with technology it will be more and more important that families keep their boundaries strong to preserve the unity of family. The only way to do this is to stay engaged with your kids and your spouse, and keep sacred some of the family rituals such as family meals. Below are some suggestions for keeping your family together and engaged. Your kids may groan, but believe me, in time they will come back and thank you.

 Here are some thoughts on having a family dinner: 

1. As much as possible, have family meals during the week. These don’t have to be done at home; however, they should include your whole family.

2. Have a plate or a container where all electronics are dropped prior to dinner. Make sure you silence them as the noise of a text or email incites the mind and distracts from family.

3. Conversation at the dinner table should be kept at a level where everyone can hear one another and you can also enjoy the food.

4. Make sure you remember you are parents at the table and not your child’s friend. If a derogatory word or motion is made at the table, correct your child/spouse. The dinner table should remain family friendly.

5. Continue to show respect and manners with your child at the dinner table. One of a parent’s most important jobs is socializing their child so that the child can feel confident in their ability to demonstrate manners and respect for others.

We cannot go backwards in time, nor should we, but as we continue into the digital age there are some rituals we must keep sacred as a family. Family dinners are one of those. A family is only as strong as its leaders; so parents, it’s time to parent at the dinner table. Electronics can never teach your child family values as well as a parent.

Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.

Posted in celebrations, child behavior, family, healthy lifestyles, parenting, parents, Teens, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dan Marino and Other Fallen Idols

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Pat

la-sp-sn-dan-marino-20130131-001In the news this week is a story about Dan Marino and his love child.

And you are asking, “What makes this a subject for parents on this blog?”

That is a legitimate question.  Personally, it seems this should only be the business of the people involved.  It does not affect my life and so why am I adding to the negative publicity of a good man?

I believe it is pertinent to parenting because of the lessons that can be learned and taught.  Marino was a great quarterback–one of the best of all time.  He was a “hero” and a role model for many youngsters who played football.

I object to the term hero to describe him, but he was a great role model.  He worked hard to be able to rise to the level he achieved in football and in broadcasting.  He was clean on and off the field.  His long marriage and family values were part of his attraction.

Now he is among the fallen idols of our time.

What five things can parents take away from this?

  1. Teach your children the difference between a star, a hero and a role model.  One person may be all three but that is rare.  Most are one or another.
  2. Explain what role models are for–why and how we emulate their work ethic, expertise, dedication to their craft, knowledge, and whatever else we admire about them.
  3. Be sure children know that all role models are human, and as such, are not perfect.  They will make mistakes and exercise bad judgement just like every one else.  Therefore we do not copy all of their actions or agree with everything they say.  We learn to use judgement in choosing which characteristics of that person we value.
  4. Times like these are teaching moments for parents.  It is a time for parents to explain how Marino’s poor judgement has led to embarrassement for himself and his family, legal issues, marital issues, financial issues, and so forth.  This can be taught as one more lesson to learn from Mr. Marino–of something not to do.  Other celebrities can also be used in this manner if they exhibit poor impulse control, use controlled substances, act with violence toward others, and so forth.
  5. Tolerance and understanding are values that can also emphasized during family discussions.  None of us truly know how it feels to be another person and what has driven them to the decisions they make at any given point in their lives.  Until we do, let’s try to give them the benefit of doubt and not judge their motivations too harshly.  We all have moments of regret in our lives.

A successful parent uses all teachable opportunities to teach a variety of lessons to their children.  Today I feel sad that a truly good man is one of those chances.

Posted in child behavior, Education, family, healthy lifestyles, heroes, parenting | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Surviving the Loss of a Loved One

Posted on January 7, 2013 by Pat
Uncle Bill and Aunt Billie

Uncle Bill and Aunt Billie

On Saturday, January 5, my wonderful Uncle Bill left this world and began his journey on the other side.  Intellectually, I understand that he is happy and at peace.  I know he was tired of the sick body that refused to let him do the things he loved doing as he had when he was young.  I believe that life on this earth is a training ground for what goes on beyond it and he was well prepared for what lies ahead of him.

But he was my Uncle Bill.  He was a part of every important event in my life–no matter what he was doing, he always had time for me.  No matter what time of day or night I was welcomed into my second home with joy and love.  His big smile filled a room and he had a way of making anyone he spoke with feel like they were the most important person he had to talk to that day.  If we disagreed about something, such as politics, we respected the other’s opinion, didn’t argue about it and never let it come between us.  I could talk to him and Aunt Bille about anything and they probably know more about me than anyone in the world…and still they loved me.

His life was full of family and love.  It was full of concern for others which led him into the Shrine, the Jaycees, and local public service.  His heart was big enough for everyone he knew.  Uncle Bill’s love had no limit to its capacity.  He met everyone–regardless of economic standing, race, background, or religion–on a equal footing and I never heard anyone speak ill of him.  Like me, there are many who consider him a second father.

I have wonderful memories of a man who always welcomed me with a big bear hug and a nonjudgmental attitude.  His love was unconditional and I knew if I was ever in trouble, he would move heaven and earth to help me.  Wonderful warm memories of fishing, water skiiing, homemade ice cream, long talks and his rich laughter have been my companions these last couple of days.  It feels like in the house of my life, one of the main supports has crumpled and I am unstable for now.  But that is not who he was and it is not who I am.  I will shore up the support beam and go on because that it what he would want.

This amazing man worked hard, played hard and loved hard.  He took life by the shoulders and sucked the marrow out of its bones.  Bill found joy in simple things and he found it every day of his life.  Even when he was sick or in pain, he could find a reason to laugh, had a twinkle in his eye, and tried to make someone else feel better.

I realize now that his secret was that he was not the center of his life–everyone else was.

He taught me how to enjoy life and I will honor his memory by trying to live my life like he did.  I will try to be less selfish, more tolerant, and finding joy in each day I have.  I will try to be there as much as I can for my Aunt Billie because as lost as I feel, I cannot comprehend the depth of the loss she has just had.  They fell in love as children and were married for more than sixty years.

Not too many weeks ago I was telling Aunt Billie how much she and Uncle Bill meant to me and how they taught me the importance of enjoying life.  She smiled and told me to pass it on to my children.  I think that is how we heal from loss–by honoring their memory and passing on their virtues to those we love.  So I am allowing myself a few days to remember and grieve, because that is healthy and what we need to do.  Then I will get back to living.

Posted in death, family, healthy lifestyles, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Forced Volunteerism is Indentured Servitude!

Posted on November 8, 2012 by Pat

I have such a bee in my bonnet about this country’s idea of volunteerism that I just have to say it.  Why are people forced to volunteer to help others?  Why are they coerced to spend time away from their families in order to help another family?  How is this volunteerism?

What started me off today was buying toothpaste.  I bought my usual brand and noticed that on the side of the box it said how much time the employees give to volunteering.  Why is that my business?  And were they truly volunteering?  Or was it a condition of employment?

At one employer for whom I worked two different times, I found this to be an unacceptable issue.  The second time I worked for them, part of the employee raise every year was based on how much volunteering that person did throughout the year.  Part of the raise!  I was infuriated.

When I worked for them the first time, I was a single mom with three very busy children.  It  was all I could do to work, get them to school, make sure home work was done, take them to practices and ball games, cook the meals, do the laundry, clean the house, and all the other million things that moms do every day.  Believe me when I say that there was zero time to do volunteer projects.

Now let me explain that I was an excellent employee who cared about her job and her employer.  How would it have been right to limit my annual raise (which was very small as it was) because it would have hurt my family to do volunteer work?  How would volunteer work have made me a better employee?  How would it have helped me take better care of my patients?  How many other families are being hurt right now?

Recently I was told about a nursing student who is putting herself through school by working almost full time.  As part of her requirements to graduate early, next quarter she has to put in 200 volunteer hours.  Are you kidding me?  In one quarter with the difficult demands of nursing school and working to pay tuition?  That is assinine.  If she has the grade point and the learning ability to graduate early, what does doing volunteer work add to that?  Why should it be in the mix of requirements?

Let’s get a grip people.  Either pay us for “volunteer” work, give us extra credit but not make it a basic requirement, or just back the hell off it.  I have no issue with offering a bonus at work or extra credit at school for volunteer hours.  That makes sense.  Now that I am older and have some time, I have done some volunteer work–not because I have to but because I want to do it.  That is how it is supposed to be.  That is why it is called volunteer people!

Caring for those less fortunate than ourselves is a family value.  It should be taught in the home–or not–based on the value system of the family.  Employers and schools have no right to force someone do volunteer work.  It is not their place!  People have a right not to volunteer if they so choose and should not be punished for that decision.  It is between them and their God.

Volunteerism is, by definition, volunteer.  Otherwise it is indentured servitude.  Big difference.  Is volunteer work a bad thing?  Absolutely not.  It is a beautiful act of generosity when done from the heart, but loses much of the meaning and impact for the giver if done by coercion.

It is time to wake up, America, and take a stand.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

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Are You Prepared to Defend Yourself?

Posted on October 25, 2012 by Pat

Are your prepared to defend your family?  Can they defend themselves?

Last weekend I took a self defense class and was unprepared for how much I learned and how empowered I have felt since.  The focus of the class was how to protect yourself and get away from someone who attacks you.  We learned ways to avoid being in that situation as well as how to break holds if you are grabbed.

Let’s focus in this post on how to avoid being attacked outside the home.  In future posts, I will address the home and what to teach your children to do.  These tips are courtesy of National Self Defense Company in Woodstock GA.

  • Keep your head up, shoulders back, watching your surroundings
  • Act confident–this says I will not be a victim
  • Scan your surroundings for anything out of place–if there is, react to it
  • Keep your keys ready to get into your car or home (don’t fumble with them in your purse at your door)–remember they can used as a weapon if you need to
  • Know where your escape route is located, look for doors or windows you may get out through in restaurants, parking structures, etc.
  • Know your neighbors
  • Pay attention to where you park, what vehicles are next to yours
  • If carrying some kind of defense weapon, have it easy to get to and be ready to use it
  • When getting out of your car, look all the way around the parking lot.

In other words, know your surroundings and don’t be taken by surprise.  If you feel uncomfortable, do not ignore that feeling.  Trust it and react accordingly–go back in the store, call for help, whatever you feel you should do.

 If you are attacked or think you will be attacked, become the aggressor while yelling at the top of your lungs–”Back Away”, “Get Away from Me” or whatever comes to your mind.  Remember, if you see someone who appears to be headed your way with the intent of doing you harm, the last thing he expects is for you to step forward and land the first blow while yelling at him.  It may be enough to make him back down.

Attack back as if your life depends on it–it just might.

Posted in children, Emergency Preparedness, family, healthy lifestyles, parenting, Self Defense, Survival techniques | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Is Your Family Prepared for an Emergency?

Posted on September 26, 2012 by Pat

September is Emergency Preparedness Month.

So I am asking…if you woke up to a blizzard, what would you do?

  • What is the first thing you would do in this emergency?
  • Do you have a plan?
  • Where would you go if you had to leave home in a hurry?  What would you take?
  • Do you have cash readily available?
  • Would you have heat?
  • What will you eat?
  • Do you have a source of clean water?
  • If your children are not at home, do you have a pre-arranged meeting site?

Over the course of this year, throughout the world there have been hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, mudslides, and so many more natural disasters.  I remember several winters ago living a whole week without electricity.  That had an impact on me, even though it was minor compared to what many people endure.  Some, like Haitians, are still living with the horrible effects of an earthquake from two years ago.

Most people are not prepared for even a short period of disaster.  Families should have a preparedness plan and know what actions they must take to protect and provide for each other.  Every house should have a to-go box or bag with supplies that can be quickly grabbed if they have to leave home immediately.

With Christmas coming up, one idea may be to buy each other one survival item–a solar flashlight, some ready to eat meals, a NOAA weather radio, a water sanitizer, a first aid kit, a solar cell phone charger, and so forth.

FEMA has great information for surviving an emergency.  You can find lists of supplies, a sample plan, water purification information, foods that can be stored easily to have on hand, and more.  Each state also has a website dedicated to emergency preparedness.

Have fun with it and do it as a family.  The kids will enjoy helping you put together a box or a backpack of supplies.  Just discussing and deciding what things each family member cannot live without should be entertaining.

One thing we bought after that week in the cold with no electricity was a generator.  I also always have easy to fix meals handy–cans of soup, mac and cheese, peanut butter, and so forth.  And I have a flashlight that works on batteries (along with extra batteries) and also has a solar charger.

Tell me what you have done to prepare for emergencies.

 

Posted in children, Emergency Preparedness, family, government, grandchildren, healthy lifestyles, parenting, Survival techniques, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Do You Have Clear Expectations?

Posted on September 24, 2012 by Pat

Last week I learned another lesson in expectations, thanks to grandson Nathanael.  His mom called and said Nathanael made banana bread and wanted to bring us a loaf.  (He acually did a lot of the work himself, by the way.)

When he walked through the door, he had a piece of paper clutched in his hand which I ignored while I was praising him for the grand baking achievement.  Finally my daughter in law told me that Nathanael had written us a letter and was very proud of it.  So I asked Nathanael to give me the letter.

Imagine my surprise when, on the paper, was a giant N.  Yes, he had written us a letter and it was the letter N.  The differences in my expectations and theirs were vast.

It reminded me that in life, especially in parenting, expectations need to be clear for all involved.  If you are setting the expectation to your child that you want the bedroom cleaned before he can play with his friends, have him repeat to you want you said.  Frequently what he heard will be completely different from what you said.

When parenting experts tell you to have clear expectations with your children–this is why.  Another important side of that is to repeat the process backwards when your child tells you something.  You may have heard her say she will be with Susie and back by ten.  However, that may not have been what she thought she was telling you.  This is especially true if you are, at that moment, a distracted listener.

Obtaining concise clarificaton of communications from the get-go is an important step in reducing friction and arguments in the home.  And, as a big believer in the fact that you are your child’s most consistent role model, it is good for your child to learn that skill from you.  It will help him in school, on teams, in business, and with his own children someday.

This has been Parents Rule! brought to you today by the letter N! (and some x’s and o’s for hugs and kisses.)  I love being a Mema!

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When is Daddy Coming Home?

Posted on September 22, 2012 by Pat

Today I read a story that pulled at my heart strings and I wanted to share it with you.  Today, Sept. 21, 2012 is POW/MIA Remembrance Day.  Over the years, so many of our youth have gone out to protect our country.  They went proudly, kissing moms and sweethearts, with dads yelling, “Give’em hell.” 

Most came home, many did not.  Of those who never returned, some just walked away and disappeared forever.  Such is the case of the story I read today about Dave Greer who, as a four year old, watched men in uniform tell his mom that his dad was missing.  http://www.armytimes.com/news/2012/09/gannett-pow-mia-day-092112

Dave was little and he had a baby sister so imagine the fear of the young mother as she tried to be brave for them.  Imagine the tears she must have shed.  Dave always hoped his dad was alive and would find his way home…but he never has.

Think about a soldier, sailor, Marine, or whoever in the last moments of their lives knowing the family was going feel this agony.  Create in your mind the soldier in a Viet Cong prison camp being tortured, finally dying, and never having the chance to tell his loved ones good bye.  Think of Dave’s dad whose plane when down.  Did he die quickly or agonizingly?

Imagine that these were your husband, father, brother.  Say a prayer for all those who serve that they come home safely.  Add a prayer to all those families, supporting and loving that service member, that their children and husbands come home…or at the very least, they are able to know what happened to them.

Today is a day of remembrance.  Let’s remember, give thanks, and say a pray in tribute..But let’s also do more.  Make every day a remembrance day for them.

By the way, the photo is the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, which I thought was appropriate.

Posted in celebrations, death, family, government, heroes, parenting, Patriot Parent, patriotism | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment